05 Mar Sex, Love and Laughter: How to Make Love Last
Sex, love and laughter are some of the best things in life. Most of us would agree that these are good ingredients for maintaining a healthy, satisfying, long-term relationship… so how can we have more? In almost two decades of working with couples, I have been asked this question many times. Here are some tips to help you have more (and better) sex, love and laughter in your life.
GIVE THE THING YOU CRAVE
When we feel like something is missing from our relationship, the first thing to do is to get clear and specific about what it is. What are you craving? What does it feel like? More appreciation, more kind words, more gentle touches, more help around the house, more ‘I love you’s? Now I know it would be great if we had a magic wand and could “poof” these things from your partner right away, but the reality is we can’t control the person we love (or anyone else, for that matter). Giving your partner and yourself more of what you need will shift your focus back to something you can control: You.
We need to give ourselves the things we need. I know this can be a stretch especially when we’re feeling resentful toward our partner, but the more we give the thing we wish for, the more of it we will receive. If you’re craving more kindness, more appreciation, more credit for all that you’re doing – start giving more of that to your partner and to yourself. If you’d like more physical touch, more handholding, more loving looks, more hugs, more compliments – start giving more to your partner and to yourself. Don’t be afraid to buy yourself flowers. When we behave in loving ways toward our partner and ourselves, we feel more loving and more loved. Begin noticing the loving things your partner does. Practice giving with an open heart and your intention will be mirrored back to you.
LET YOUR SEX BE LIKE PIZZA
If you’re not experiencing the sex life of your dreams – not to worry. It’s normal for couples to have differences in sexual desire, appetite, and interest. It’s also normal for couples to get into a sexual rut and even to experience a sexual drought now and then. Here’s how to help get things going again.
A great way to get back together sexually is to get curious about what it would be like if you could take all the expectations off of yourself and each other. Let it be okay to start from zero. Try being more accepting and real with each other from a relaxed and light-hearted perspective. Try this: simply agree to have some not-great sex. This sounds ironic, I know, but it’s a great trick and worth the experiment. You may find that you need to get some awkward, semi-boring sexual experiences out of the way in order to jumpstart your creative juices again. And that’s okay. In fact, it can be pretty good. It might even be fun. The important thing is that you fill the experience with self-acceptance and keep the mood light. In fact, see how un-thrilling you can make it. You can even try talking about simple, silly, boring things during sex. Taking the romantic novel expectations off may surprise you.
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LIGHTEN UP TO LAUGH
Laughter can be a healing elixir and even an aphrodisiac. How do we laugh more? The short answer is: When we are relaxed and just being ourselves – we laugh. It’s easy to take ourselves (and our lives) too seriously. If we want to laugh more, we need to lighten up. We can start by taking everything less seriously by reminding ourselves that life is short, no one is perfect, and it’s okay to feel good. It’s okay to pause everything and do nothing. It’s okay to spend time with the people we love, and who love us just the way we are. It’s important to make time for the simple joys of life. Try to schedule some “You” time into your week. A little fun can go a long way.
Have lunch with your closest friends, go to a matinée, see a comedy, go to an improv show, dance in your pajamas, walk barefoot in the grass, let yourself be light. Practice cultivating a light-hearted attitude towards life. Look for what’s funny and let yourself laugh.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
See if you can have sex, be loving and laugh all at the same time. Try playing a game with your partner to see if you can make each other laugh while you’re having sex. For best results, repeat as often as possible.
This article was originally published in the Fall 2014 Issue of VETTA Magazine.